Parenting Tips
Developing Skills for Friendship

Famous people from ancient historians to current comics can provide pithy quotes on friendship. But for many children and teens, all that really matters is whether the student at the next desk likes them. Parents take on the friendship worries when their child comes home wailing "No one likes me!"

But aside from a difficult evening at home with a child who definitely had a tough day, does our children’s ability to adapt to friendships and social situations really matter?

Why children need friends

Absolutely. Friendships help children develop strong emotional ties, strengthen feelings of self-esteem and, in the best circumstances, reinforce values lessons taught at home. Learning friendship skills also benefits them as they grow and move toward additional relationships in their life – bosses, co-workers, spouses, and, eventually, their own children. Children who have friends at school have better attitudes about learning and attendance.

How do I know how many friends are enough?

It is important to remember that different children have different social styles. Some children are naturally loners while others need to be in a crowd. Some have only one or two very close friends while others have many, less intimate friends. As long as your child is happy, not withdrawn, he’s probably fine in his social sphere.

How do I know if there is a problem?

Not sure of how your child does socially? Watch her in a social setting. Watch her body language to see if she just prefers to sit back and observe or to see if she’s being pushed out. Ask other adults in her life – teachers, instructors, group leaders, coaches – for their thoughts and observations.

How can I support developing social skills?

Parents can support children’s social skills – or friendship – development regardless of their age by modifying the suggestions below to fit the appropriate age. To assist your child in developing friendships and have strong social skills, teach them to:

• Solve conflicts by listening and brainstorming solutions and/or compromising.

• Be a good team member: stay focused on the activity and cheer for everyone.

• Participate in activities at least some of the time. It is not a negative to want to do solitary activities, but it is also important to know how to be part of a group.

• Agree to others ideas for play gracefully and share the limelight when it comes to offering play ideas among friends.

• Ask about others and get their opinions, ideas and thoughts.

• Develop ideas with your child on how she can join a group already playing without trying to force a change in activity. Other children often are welcome to join a play group if they can offer suggestions related to the current activity.

In addition, you can build friendship skills by:

• Reviewing rules and behaviors with children. Set rules in your home that you would like to see reflected in a social setting. Your home is a mini social setting and children will behave in social settings as they have "practiced" at home.

• Playing with your child. While using play time as an opportunity to observe your child and reinforce social lessons, actually play and have fun. It not only teaches positive behaviors but also helps him learn he is a fun person to be around.

• Talking about his day, his interactions with friends, the good things about the day and the bad things. Showing interest in your child helps him understand he is a worthwhile person.

• Discussing problems in a positive manner and teaching children that sometimes friends just have bad days, they don’t really "hate you."

• Having a positive, supportive relationship with your child for good role modeling. This teaches your child that you value him, he is worthwhile and fun to be around.

• Talking respectfully to your child. It’s easier to help him treat others respectfully if he is treated respectfully.

• Praising appropriate behavior. This reinforces positive skills and behaviors.

• Knowing your child’s friends and activities.

• Brainstorming solutions and role playing these ideas if specific, on-going problems arise for a child.

• Tutoring your child, or finding someone to tutor her, in a specific skill, whether it’s a physical skill or a social skill. Sometimes all it takes is for a child to be comfortable and generally capable at common games to better fit in during general social settings – gym, recess or neighborhood settings.

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