 Parenting Tips
Identifying Your Child's Stress
Children and stress? You’ve got to be kidding me right? What does my seven-year-old have to be stressed about? I’m the one running her around, making sure she does her homework, drilling her on math facts, taking her to softball, dance and piano. When we moved did she have to pack up her belongings? Haul them across town to a new neighborhood? Rearrange everything so it fit in a new life? Nope, that’s all me. Let’s talk about my stress. Afraid not today. If all those things put stress in your life, imagine how it feels to your seven-year old who now has no control over her own life, her own time and her own possessions. If you could use some down time, maybe she could too. Yeah, but kids thrive on activities and being busy. She loves all the running and doing. Ok, maybe she does. But how can you really tell if your child is overly stressed? Stress in children frequently goes unrecognized; they often don’t even recognize it in themselves. If you look closely, children give us signs of stress, the same as we give them signals when we’re over the top. Some ways to tell if your child is under extra stress:
- Watch his behavior – Children often react to stress in their lives by acting out or returning to behaviors from an earlier age: bedwetting, thumb sucking, clinging. They also change their personality: an outgoing child becomes withdrawn or a quiet child becomes aggressive.
- Ask – Ok, she’ll probably roll her eyes if you ask if she’s stressed, but listen carefully when you ask about her day or start a conversation about what makes a “bad day” for her. If she can give you lots of examples, she’s probably on the stressed side.
- Watch his physical health – Headaches or stomachaches may be the result of stress. If these illnesses become an ongoing problem and you can find no other reasons for them, it may be a stressful situation making him sick. Remember, even if stress is causing the illness, the ache and pain is still real to your child.
Yeah, ok, my daughter acts like that sometimes, but she’s a kid, she doesn’t have anything to be stressed about. Her life may not look stressful to you, but there are plenty of things that can cause stress to a child:
- Her need to please people – teachers, parents, even herself. This need to please can put a lot of pressure on a child of any age.
- His fear of friends – or not having friends, especially in middle school. Both boys and girls spend a lot of time worrying about acceptance by classmates in middle school and high school.
- Her pressure to perform on a team or in a group. At some point sports and other activities can stop being fun and become too much competition for some kids.
- His inability to express his emotions. While you don’t have to let your son turn into a raging bull because he is angry, it is healthier and easier on him to let him express his anger – or fear – or sadness. Burying his emotions will only cause more stress in his life.
- Changes in her normal life, whether it is a move, a death, a change in a parent’s work schedule, even a friend moving away. Changes in life or in expectations can rock a child’s every day world and bring on stress.
You’re right. We’ve decided my daughter is stressed, what can I do to help her out? Fortunately, there are lots of ways to help children and teens cope with the every day stresses of life. (If your child seems “stressed” beyond these coping techniques, you should consider letting her talk to a counselor to see if she needs additional assistance in handling some parts of her life.)
- Keep life routine. When kids know what is going to happen next, they feel more comfortable with their lives. If nothing else, a calm, regular morning and bedtime routine relaxes a child.
- Keep children up to date. Ok, we all know “life happens.” If you can’t keep everything routine, keep your children “in the loop” as much as possible. The more they understand what is happening, the easier it will be for them to react to it. The fear of the unknown can be as stressful for a child as the actual event.
- Listen to your child. It’s easy to laugh off the “hardships” of a 10-year-old, but those dramas are very serious in your daughter’s life at that moment. Take time to listen to her concerns. Don’t give advice and don’t laugh off her worries. Don’t downplay her feelings of fear, dread, embarrassment, etc. As with an adult, the chance to talk about her fears will many times calm them.
- Be active. Physical exercise is known to reduce the effects of stress on the body. Find a physical activity your child enjoys and encourage him to be active. All children should have regular exercise in their day.
- Create a plan. When everything comes at your child at once, sit down with him and create an “action” plan to make life more manageable. Sometimes it’s as simple as creating a timeline to finish a large school project on time, other times it’s a matter of creating a daily schedule to make sure homework, activities and relaxation all have a place in the day. For some children, a daily schedule helps them better manage their time and prevents them from leaving everything to the last minute.
- Schedule “down time.” Like the rest of us, too many activities can overwhelm a child. Make sure she has free time every day to do whatever she wants – or to do nothing at all.
- Identify the stress. Sometimes just being able to recognize what is happening can reduce the stress. Help your child learn to:
- Name the feeling – “Feeling” words – angry, embarrassed, upset – help a child identify different feelings when they happen. If your child better understands what he is feeling, he can better deal with his emotions.
- Recognize symptoms of stress – understanding that tense muscles and a “panicky” feeling are signs of being under pressure – or stress – can, again, help your daughter deal with the stress. Many times just recognizing what is going on can help reduce the stress.
- Learn relaxation techniques – When a child can recognize his feelings of stress, he can move to the next level and practice relaxation. Teach him how to:
- Breathe in deeply, breathe out slowly, counting to 10.
- Tense all the muscles in your body and hold. Slowly release the hold. Repeat.
- Release emotions. Journaling is another great way for a child to release her emotions in a healthy way. Writing down feelings and stressful times can help a child clear her head and let go of the emotion. Over time, a journal also can help an older child see a pattern of where and when she experienced stress and what caused it. Remember that she needs to know that no one will ever read what she writes without her permission.
- Don’t add to the pressure. Take a good look at your life to make sure you aren’t adding to your child’s stress. There’s a fine line between setting high goals and pushing your child too hard. Make sure your child knows you accept him, his abilities and his preferences. Let go of your dreams for your child if those dream truly are not his dreams.
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