Parenting Tips
Cease fire in the battle of sibling rivalry

Summer may be heating up, but that doesn’t mean temperatures have to rise between brothers and sisters.

Siblings that simply skirmish during the school year may turn to all out warfare during the long, open-ended days of summer. Sibling fights will probably never completely disappear, but CONCERN offers the following 10 categories to help call a truce between warring brothers and sisters.

• Define household rules. Make sure everyone in the family understands what behaviors are allowed in your home and which are not … and what the consequences are for breaking the rules. For example, physical violence and name-calling should never be allowed and all family members should know the consequence for such actions (loss of privilege, time-out, etc.)

• Don’t buy into the argument. Frequently brothers and sisters fight simply to get a parent’s attention. Unless the fight is escalating into physical or verbal abuse, do your best to ignore the spat and let your children solve the problem themselves. At the same time, recognize if your children have the same fight at the same time everyday – say just before dinner when they are hungry and tired – and devise ways to reach a truce on a long-term basis. For example, make the half-hour before dinner “quiet time” in their separate rooms.

• Acknowledge children’s feelings. You don’t have to agree with your child’s actions, but you can still acknowledge what he’s feeling: “You’re very frustrated your brother once again ate the last brownie, but we don’t call people names in our house.” Acknowledging negative emotions lets children know those feelings are allowed while also reinforcing the idea that there are appropriate ways to deal with those emotions.

• Teach children communication skills. Help your children learn how to tell her brother her complaints and gripes in a productive manner. Teach them to step away when they are angry and to use civil words to talk about the problem. Teach them “active listening” skills. Use the same techniques when you talk to your children so they can see good communication skills in action. If you spend most of your time yelling at your children, don’t be surprised when they yell at each other.

• Teach children negotiation skills. Once children know how to stop, listen, share and solve, they are on the way to better relationships. In this method, they need to listen to the other person’s side, share their own ideas for solving the problem and together pick a solution that works for everyone. This is not a quick or easily learned process but as they practice it, their skills will improve and their fights will lessen.

• Reinforce positive behavior. Don’t forget to congratulate your children when you discover them solving a problem or just enjoying themselves playing a game. “I’m glad you’re enjoying that game.” is a simple way to let your children know you believe in cooperation and teamwork.

• Create positive experiences between siblings. People bond through shared experiences so try to find activities your children can share together – meals, games, even chores – and as a family – vacations, volunteer times, outdoor activities.

• Treat children as individuals. Each child has his own good and bad traits. Let them stand for themselves. For example, when his room is messy, simply tell your son it needs to be cleaned. Don’t ask him why he can’t keep it as tidy as his sister’s room. Also, don’t pigeonhole your child “the student,” “the athlete,” etc. If her brother is the “smart” one, what does that make your daughter?

• Spend individual time with each child. Children often fight to gain attention from Mom or Dad. Plan to spend alone time with each child each day, even if it is only 10 or 20 minutes per day. Use this time to build a positive relationship with your child, not as a time to nag or lecture.

• Teach your children that life is not always “fair.” As hard as we try, it is impossible to be completely equal with all our children all the time. How do we solve this problem? We don’t. Just because your son needs new cleats for baseball doesn’t mean your daughter also needs something new. If you’re like most families, your daughter’s time will come for something new that her brother doesn’t need. The sooner your children learn most things balance out eventually, the sooner the cries of “It’s not fair” will stop.

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